I Cannot Call You Anymore…

Best Friends   It has been two years since we last spoke. Our last conversation was a little bit one sided, mainly me talking and you listening. I told you it was okay to go. Those words are still ringing in my ears to this day. I cannot call you and catch up, I cannot sit and visit with you just like I use to, I cannot share moments I want to share with you. The first year was rough and my life was a mess.  It’s still a mess , but getting better each day. When a good moment came I would reach for my Phone and dial your number and it would always automatically go to voice mail. I couldn’t leave a message it just wasn’t possible. I keep your photos around the house and I smile when I look at them.I keep one photo close to my bed and it is the last thing I see before I close my eyes and the first when I wake.  I have written a few letters just to get what I need off my chest, but the post office cannot deliver them. I wear your old t-shirt and I admit it makes me feel closer to you. I even catch you in some of my dreams, you  walk through with out saying much, sometimes you give me advice and other times you may be hiding in the crowd. Here is a letter I wanted to send to you today…

Mother,

So much has changed since you have been gone. I know you are in a  better place and I am so glad that you are with family and friends. I know you are looking down and I know you are listening. I can hear your words of advice ringing in my ears. I hear your voice come straight out of my mouth and at times I catch a glimpse of you starring back at me in the mirror. I miss you so much.

I am so sorry for the times I didn’t pick up the phone and call you. I am sorry for the times I didn’t answer when you called. I thought I was too busy or that I had time, I was wrong. It’s normal to think there will be time, but we have no clue of how much time each of us have.

I want you to know I fought for my happiness. I know we talked about it and you knew I was scared. I know you already know this, but it was worth the battle. I found happiness and I am still in a fight, but I won’t give in. I want to thank you for for all the advice you gave me even the advice I didn’t listen to. Thank you for always being that phone call away and for calling me faithfully even when I didn’t answer. Thank you for my amazing family without them I don’t think I would be as strong as I am.

Today Makes two years and to be honest it feels like I should still be able to pick up the phone and call you. Believe me I tried. You left a mark on the world, whether you know it or not, you left broken hearts that have grown stronger just from knowing you and remembering you. I will always remember you and I will always love you.

Sorry if this letter seems a bit scattered it is not easy to get the words out. I want to make a promise that I will do all I can for my children as you did for us. I know there were sacrifices you made that I didn’t know as a child and the same goes for my children. I thought you was wrong on many occasions and I now know I was wrong. Thank you for all the love even when it wasn’t spoken, we always knew you loved us no matter what. Thank you for not following up with your threat of scrubbing off my Tattoo with a wire brush that would have hurt. Thank you for all the burnt cheese toast.  Thank you for The laughs, the tears, and the hugs. Thank you for letting me make my mistakes and being there when I realized what they were and needed help fixing them.

Thank you so much for all that you did and for continuing to watch over us.

Love,

Your daughter Jeana

It has been Two years since my mother lost her fight with breast cancer. It was aggressive and left us blind sided.  I will always miss her, but I will always have her. Time is a irrelevant  and you do not have any so do not kid yourself into thinking you do. Be happy and make others happy through your happiness it’s contagious. If your kids are small and want you to act the fool and have a blast with them do so. Don’t wait. If you are sad and you do not like the way your life is going change it because tomorrow is Today.

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